If you want your child to become a successful, happy and well-balanced adult, you need to pay attention to their confidence and self-esteem levels, says mental performance coach Sandra Kamphof.
“Confidence is one of the strongest predictors of our performance, our happiness and our success,” says Kampfoff, founder of the Mentally Powerful Institute, a mental training company for business leaders and athletes. “Building confidence is a lifelong task [because] There are obstacles and hardships that we face that affect our faith.”
Of course, most kids simply won’t tell their parents when their self-esteem is low, or when they could use a confidence boost. Although parents should be on the lookout for warning signs, Kamfoff says: What your child says out loud about themselves can be revealing, especially if they’re stuck in a cycle of self-criticism. Their body language can also show, especially when they are reluctant or unable to express how they really feel, she adds.
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Boosting confidence is different from inspiring pride. Some psychologists say that parents can guide their children toward excellence by focusing on genuinely appreciating their efforts and behavior—instead of boosting their egos by focusing exaggeratedly on their accomplishments.
“Pay attention to how they respond to mistakes or failures,” Kampfoff says. Helping to boost their confidence after a temporary setback or negative interaction should be “one of your top priorities” as a parent, as it can help develop the qualities that children need to become successful adults – such as the willingness to handle ups and downs while still taking necessary risks, research shows.
Here are three “red flags” that your child may be suffering from a crisis of confidence and need a boost in self-esteem, according to Kampfoff:
Negative self-talk
One telltale sign of low self-esteem is when you see someone constantly “beating themselves up after failure,” Kampfoff says. This can take the form of vocal self-criticism, such as a child saying they are not smart enough to learn a new concept or skill or even predicting that they will fail an upcoming test.
If your child regularly makes harsh comments like, “I’m such a failure” or “I’m so stupid,” remind them that failures and other temporary setbacks don’t define them as a person, Kampfoff suggests. Instead, you can teach them to view failure as an opportunity to learn something new, he says.
Kamphof trains professional athletes to look to their past mistakes for lessons on what to do differently next time, he says. He then suggests verbally, physically “getting it out” as a way to help leave that failure in the past and move on with confidence to face the next challenge.
A lot of comparisons
Another possible sign of low confidence: Your child is constantly comparing himself to peers who seem to be doing well, Kampfoff notes. “Comparison is a normal part of being human, because it allows us to understand our place in this world. But we don’t usually compare our whole self to another human being’s whole self,” he says.
Encourage your kids to focus only on the aspects of the comparison that they can control, Kampfoff suggests. You can ask, for example: “What does this comparison tell you about what you really want…or what is important to you?”
The answer can serve as useful “data” to establish realistic goals and develop plans to achieve them. Setting goals and effectively working toward them is “one of the most powerful ways to build confidence,” Kampfoff says.
You can also remind children that they are likely to measure up to an idealized version of another person, especially if they only get a partial view of someone else’s life on social media, for example.
Body language and low energy
Even if your child doesn’t criticize themselves verbally, their inner voice can still come across as unhelpful criticism, especially as a result of a perceived mistake or setback, Kampfoff notes. You may notice changes in how your children carry themselves – such as drooping shoulders, smiling less often than usual, consistently showing low energy levels or refusing to engage in activities they enjoy.
Kamphof advises that parents model productive behavior by showing children how to manage their negative emotions, rather than stressing them out. Instead of telling your kids to be happy, you can practice naming negative emotions and feelings as a first step in calming them down, parenting experts often say.
If a child is having trouble expressing what he’s feeling, parents can calmly talk through it, Kampfoff says. She recommends a tool she calls “PCR”—Pause, Calm, Respond—which involves pausing to breathe and relax before considering how to respond to a difficult question or situation.
“You can teach kids to regulate their emotions, and that will really help build their confidence,” Kampfoff says. “Because, especially under pressure, when children [and adults] Being able to organize yourself, that’s really the key.”
In severe cases, such symptoms can indicate mental health concerns such as clinical depression, according to psychologists. Always consult your mental health professional if your child shows signs of clinical issues.
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